he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
