She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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