Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
