it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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