Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
