Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
