I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Holy shit dude........stairs
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
