The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
