i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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