I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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