Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it's great music for shaving your balls
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
