So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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