...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
