I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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