My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
