if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
