I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
