I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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