Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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