Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He shit in the fireplace
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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