She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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