I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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