my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
