I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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