he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
