i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
