All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
