You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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