Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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