this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I want to fling myself into the sun
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
