i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
