I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
