Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
