Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
