So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
