Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
