Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
