You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
