you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
