Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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