he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize