Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
