Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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