help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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