I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
