I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
