I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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