Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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