I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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