Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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