its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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