This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
