just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
