I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
